Sharks, Goblins and Cookiecutter Death Machines

Happy Yuletide internet! There has been an official announcement today of the discovery of a new fluorescent species of shark (see picture below, Edwards 2015), which I also like to think of as a new night light for rich children. It has been dubbed the 'ninja lanternshark,' (latin name Etmopterus benchleyi,after the author of Jaws), and aesthetically it's about as pretty as a troll's armpit, but that's not to say it's not incredibly cool. It contains photophores in it's skin, light-emitting organs glandular in origin that provide it with a luminescence that researcher Vicky Vasquez believes helps it creep up on prey.
                              
So that's one more spooky fish to add to the marine repertoire. The Guardian released an update of the world's best sharks, ranked by 'unusualness,' which I've mimicked here, but I thought I would provide my own descriptions.

5. The Goblin Shark; This, I feel, could be the product of what would happen if you were to drop a blown-out, middle-aged office worker in to the sewers of Futurama. The rather intrusive nose has owns a fantastic electrodetection system known as ampullae of Lorenzini, and it gives me a great sense of satisfaction to be able to say I finally found an animal that looks worse than I feel after a Friday night.

4. The Cookiecutter Shark: Now for some reason these animals aren't the token reps for Duff Goldman. Chiefly because its jaws scrape out great chunks of flesh, leaving 'cookie' craters in the victim. It's not actually a Death Machine, but if you've got a chip on your shoulder from having been chomped, like as not it'll confiscate those too. What is a cookie without chips, after all.

3. Basking Sharks: They Shark hard, they Bask hard. If you're not familiar with John Finnemore's basking shark sketch, educate yourself. These 39-foot long beasts are simple filter feeders, floating around, mouths wide open, waiting for the food to drift right in. A true inspiration for any directionless muppet, seconded only by Hedonismbot.

2. The Wobbegong: Ignoring the fact its name makes it sound like the overlord of the Star-bellied Sneeches, this is a carpet shark, and its title actually means 'shaggy beard.' It looks a BIT like bracket fungi, but these sharks are very sleepy grazers that look like they're walking on their bottom dorsal fins. They also give birth to pups. I have absolutely no comment for this animal, there's a lot of Funny going on.

1. The Megalodon: This guy sounds like the character that would beat up Judge Dredd if he didn't give up his lunch money. Around 30m (98ft) long, their jaws are more than happy to accomodate for humans, although they don't often turn up a high rating on tripadvisor.com.

All images were sourced from: Edwards, J. 2015. Scientists just discovered a weird new shark that glows in the dark, so they officially named it the 'ninja lanternshark.' Independent.